Sigmund Freud

By Helen Spencer, Syllogistorian


Sigmund Freud grew up in a typical Austrian household. His father would start out the day reading to him stories by Sophocles, then he would put down Oedipus Rex, pick up a knife, and tell him, “Run to your mother before I cut off your testicles!” Then his father would proceed to chase him until Freud would just barely make it to his mother’s room. Freud was always forced to run into his mother’s room at awkward times, like when his mom just got out of the bath. Unfortunately for Freud, his mom was the hottest woman in all of Austria. Even worse were Freud’s male cousins who would always comment on how hot his mother was. These factors always led to Freud being very tempted to love his mother and fear his father. But against the odds, Freud learned to only masturbate to pictures of women who merely resembled his mother.

He also learned to respect his father and would often involve himself in back-alley knife fights with his dear ol’ dad. Once Freud finally cut off one of his dad’s testicles, he earned the love and respect of his father. His father then said, “Son, you’ve passed the test, it’s time for you to go to medical school.” Freud’s natural fear of castration taught him an important lesson–that you can only trust men at arm’s length because, if you trust them too much, they’ll cut your testicles off.
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Freud enjoyed medical school and became a well-respected neural scientist. But as time went on Freud got tired of prying people’s heads open to study their brains. He wanted to make a name for himself so he decided to attack religion and offer a scientific replacement for it. So he wrote a book called The Future of an Illusion. In The Future of an Illusion, he psychoanalyzes religion as the human mind’s attempt to deal with its helplessness in the face of a chaotic nature by creating an illusion of a higher power that protects it. This part was so boringly true that unfortunately for Freud, The Future of an Illusion wasn’t well received by Austrian intellectuals, due to its dry and accurate attacks on religion. Freud was told to go back to the drawing board and come up with more interesting theories that were far more dubious and unfalsifiable.

Freud became penniless and homeless because, like an idiot, he quit being a wealthy physician. So he thought back to his youth and decided that psychology was the place where he could deal with his earlier traumas and transformations. Freud became a big success in psychology because behaviorism was such a boring field that treated humans like systems, and Freud offered intellectuals a more fascinating, organic account of the mind that involved an awesome battle between the Id, Ego, and Superego. Seriously, intellectuals get tired of the same ol’ “everything is a system” mentality. Doesn’t anyone want action and awesomeness in their metaphysical accounts of reality? So, Freud created a branch of psychology that was far more entertaining and unfalsifiable.

This new psychology relied heavily on symbolism. For example, if you liked to eat bananas, it was symbolic of your desire to perform oral sex on a man. If you liked rockets, it was symbolic of your desire to have sex with men. If you enjoyed the taste of strawberries, it meant you wanted to be on the receiving end of anal sex, etc. Exceptions to this were rare, but Freud did say, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” to justify his love of smoking long and hard cigars. Also, “Sometimes a penis is just a penis,” to justify his love of having erect penises in his mouth which was totally is not gay, even a little.

Unbelievable Fact! Philosopher Karl Popper once said that Freud’s theory of psychoanalysis was unfalsifiable, but that sounds like something someone with late potty training would say, doesn’t it?

Deciding to buy this book is symbolic of your desire to read an inaccurate history of the world.

Thomas Jefferson

By Jericho Cannon, Scientohistorian

Thomas Jefferson was many things. Scientist, philosopher, architect, and slave-holder/slave-holding inventor. Oddly, the one thing people seem to care about is his work in American politics. Sure, he wrote the good parts of the Declaration of Independence, was central in the formation of the Government and was the third President, but what historians always forget to mention is that establishing republics is only what he did when he was bored shitless. Since this is all anyone cares about, I’ll talk about that instead of all the fascinating buildings he designed as a slave-holding architect.

Jefferson’s political career was essentially started by the Declaration of Independence, which he wrote as a joke. Unfortunately, after everyone had a good laugh and signed it, some intern without a good sense of humor actually sent the damn thing to King George III. England never responded to America’s letters insisting “It was all a joke,” and “Would you please stop shooting cannons at us?” This forced the Continental Congress’ hand into actually becoming independent.

In 1800 the race for the Presidency was on once again and Jefferson threw his tri-corn hat into the ring. Jefferson’s campaign for the Presidency was not without controversy. Jefferson spoke of the equality of all men, but simultaneously kept slaves. His excuses were, “They were there when I bought the house,” “I was slave-holding them for a friend,” and his most flimsy excuse of all: “Slaves? What slaves? Who are you people anyway?” His opponent in the race, Senator Aaron Burr, took advantage of this hypocrisy to try and discredit Jefferson. Some of you may be thinking that since Burr was also a slave-holder that this action was hypocritical. You’d be right, though it actually helped Burr immensely as he was running as a member of the Super Hypocrisy Party.

Jefferson got flack for his campaign slogan, “Slaves We Can Believe In,” as some people thought it a mere platitude. At any rate, it won more people over than Aaron Burr’s slogan, “Burr: Not As Bad As They Say.”

As a result of Congress having an odd sense of humor, Aaron Burr was selected to be Jefferson’s vice-president. Since there were still hard feelings from the campaign, Jefferson used every opportunity to get his vice-president killed. At this point in Colonial history, the vice-president was considered mere comic relief, and such action was not frowned upon.

Aaron Burr proved quite difficult for Jefferson to kill. He always managed to jump out of the way of runaway carriages, avoid falling anvils, and even managed to take out the notorious assassin, Alexander Hamilton. Eventually Jefferson got him by signing the Using Aaron Burr as Bait for Sperm Whales bill into law. Burr was trussed up, put in a squid costume and dragged behind the USS Constitution. This had the entire crew of “Old Ironsides” in stitches.

Jefferson had a long-standing disagreement with respected French naturalist, Comte de Buffon. Buffon theorized that every animal, plant and human that originated in North America was a little pussy compared to every animal, plant or human from Europe. Jefferson read about this and said, “Hey! I’m from North America!” He was furious, but had a well-thought out plan to give Buffon what for. He had heard about Mammoth skeletons being discovered in America and figured that if he could find a beast like that, it would put an end to Buffon’s theory once and for all. He then bought the western half of the continent from its rightful owner, the French
Government, and sent a contingent of badasses to investigate. They never did find a mammoth, but they did find a giant ground sloth. After Lewis and Clark delivered it to Jefferson, the Founding Father rode it to Buffon’s house and had the animal eat the bastard, effectively disproving his theory. This face-saving act of heroism is why Megalonyx is the national mascot of the United States.

The famed Renaissance man is also the subject of debate in religious circles with Christians and atheists both trying to claim that he was on their team. The fact is, neither claim is true. He wasn’t a true Christian, but instead a deist. For those of you who don’t know, a deist is someone who believes a god made everything, then took off for some fucking reason. Modern pop psychologist historians think he believed this way because his dad abandoned him as a kid.

Are you literate? If so, this book may be extremely well-suited for you.

Emma Goldman

By Gertude Hamm, Herstorian

Emma Goldman was a Russo-American anarchist and feminist who believed in the power of the individual. Goldman believed so strongly in the power of the individual in fact that she built her own rocket ship to go to Mars to live by herself. She built an entire anarchist civilization with her greatest monument being the Face of Mars which she made with no help from anyone except herself, thank you very much.

Before her interplanetary voyages, Goldman defended the anarchist Leon Czolgosz for assassinating President McKinley–and rightly so. The President kept wearing a target on his chest. Czolgosz said in his defense, “I am a patriot, but also a good marksman! It was like he was taunting me.”

She chastised her fellow anarchists for abandoning Czlogosz, “If you can’t assassinate people, what is the point of being an anarchist? I suppose you’re just gonna go get elected to the government or vote. How stupid is that? You stupid fuckers.”

Philosopher Bertrand Russell criticized Goldman’s outspoken opposition to the Soviet Union’s experiment of communism. He stated to her outrightly that his student Wittgenstein gave up philosophy to go work in the collectivized farms. So the Soviet Union can’t be all that bad! She responded to this as she responded to all criticism: She arranged to have Russell assassinated.

Goldman opposed conscription into the first World War, not because she saw it as a militant force driven by a corrupt government, but because she was jealous that she and other women couldn’t fight the good fight against the barbarous krauts.

The war didn’t go well for the Americans, but luckily Goldman and Company saved the day. Kaiser Wilhelm only surrendered after Wilson threatened to send in his battalion of crazed Anarcho-womens. Goldman celebrated their victory by getting laid and the beguiled krauts were weeping in the streets.

In addition to her work for anarchism, feminism, and assassinationism, she was an ardent foe of prejudice against homosexuals. Her campaign was called, “Don’t Knock It ‘Til You Try It.” And believe me, there was little she would knock. Also, she started the campaign of “Once You Go Gay, You’re Here To Stay” and even later was “We’re Here, We’re Queer, Would You Like To Have Sex?” Goldman was definitely the alpha female, as she had more sex than all the other anarchists combined.

She was dedicated to taking whatever action benefited the world. So, in 1940 when she was convinced that she was a negative influence on global affairs, she assassinated herself via a massive stroke.

Check out this book that advocates assassinationism.

Charles Darwin

By Peter Bristles, Patriotorian

British naturalist Charles Darwin was the twin brother of Abraham Lincoln. This led some people to ask a lot of uncomfortable questions regarding the legitimacy of Lincoln’s Presidency. These people have been removed from the gene pool by Darwinists. Darwin was famous for proposing the modern theory of evolution which states that nothingness created two rocks that smacked together to create your monkey grandma, who magically gave birth to your human mom.

After attending divinity school in order to mock God, Darwin was enlisted to join the second voyage of the HMS Beagle to study nature. He wrote about how he was seasick constantly in his journals, but this is betrayed by his confession to his wife that he really just enjoyed vomiting constantly and would induce it for fun. This is believed to be the root of his nickname, “Ol’ Chucky Vomitpants.”

Once the ship reached the Galapagos archipelago, Darwin observed that certain species of finch had differently shaped beaks. He also observed that they tasted vastly different. There were also Galapagos Island iguanas that tasted remarkably better than their mainland counterparts. There were also varied species of giant tortoises that went quite good in soup. This led to his landmark theory of “Survival of the Tastiest.”

Aboard the HMS Beagle, he came to a disagreement with the Captain Robert FitzRoy while the Captain was showing off his slaves. Modern scientohistorians like to play up how Darwin was opposed to slavery and how he would argue that slavery was evil. Really though, Darwin wasn’t opposed to the notion of slavery. He just didn’t like FitzRoy’s slaves, which he felt were not as shiny and top-of-the-line as his own collection.

When Darwin proposed his theory of evolution, he was laughed at by the Royal Society of England–not because he was thought to be wrong, but because (without his knowledge) his penis was sticking out of his pants, hard and stiff. This was really funny until a consensus was reached that it was annoying to be constantly whacked in the head with Darwin’s oblivious hard-on. Many people ran in fear when Darwin began to speak about the more essential aspects of his theory, as he would become so excited that his penis would throb until it spermed out majestically.

Jean-Baptiste Lamarck provided an alternative theory of evolution. He could do this because his ancestors would practice debating Darwin’s ancestors. Each successive generation carried on its Darwin-debating skills. Modern creationists are not believers in Lamarck’s theory either, but it is true that they are all descended from the best Darwin-debaters.

Some prominent secular historians (the ones who don’t tell HIS-story), believe that Darwin not only came up with the theory of evolution, but that he was able to demonstrate evolution live on-stage. These live performances of evolution were mere trickery though. Darwin would start by cramming five chimpanzees into a hat, putting the hat in a coffin, poking all kinds of swords through the coffin, and out would come a rational, God-fearing human. What nonsense! That just proves that Darwin was a good magician, not a good scientist.

A lot of historians want you to believe in Darwin’s alleged contemporary, Alfred Russel Wallace, who supposedly formulated the theory of evolution independently. Little is known about “Wallace” except that his handwriting and style of writing appears to be identical to Darwin’s. It makes sense that Darwin would fabricate Wallace’s existence in order to perpetuate the lie that evolution was independently discovered by two people instead of one. That way it would give the lie more credibility.

Evolutionary theory was a point of contention between Darwin and his wife, Emma, who believed in God like any good and moral person. He would talk about his observations about the natural world and she would talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Creator of the Universe. This kind of disagreement could have led an ungodly woman to a divorce, but she was a good woman and was subservient to her husband, no matter how satanic he was.

Many people know that Darwin was a proto-Nazi (just turn to the first chapter in On the Origins of Species entitled “The Final Solution”), but what they didn’t know was that Darwin would spend his time plotting about how to stop and silence creationist Ben Stein years before Stein was even a twinkle in his father’s eye. Not to mention that Darwin–getting his advice from Lord Satan–knew that he needed to change the way that universities taught so that they could, in 150 years time, silence Intelligent Design theorists.

Many claim that Darwin did not advocate eugenics or Social Darwinism–that it was actually Herbert Spencer and some others who advocated eugenics. But how do you explain the book that non-secular historians recently unearthed, entitled How To Kill Off The Weak And Mentally Inhibited by Charles Darwin? Sure, if you carbon-dated the book it would appear only to be three years old–not old enough to have been written by Darwin. But that just proves that carbon dating is unreliable!

A lot of people are knowledgeably aware of Darwin’s famous death bed recantation of evolution. What they are unaware of though, is all his other recantations. He recanted most appropriately the atomic theory of matter, Mendelian genetics (even though he had absolutely no knowledge of such a genetics…weird), special theory of relativity (everyone knew that one was false), and supply side economics. He is most famous for recanting the mother and father theory. The mother and father theory states that everyone had a mother and a father. What rubbish!

In modern academia, the theory of evolution has been refined and well-understood. It is taught to millions and is the foundation of our understanding of biology. Just about every field of science reinforces the claims of evolutionists, as well as a mountain of fossil evidence. But were you aware that the famous Piltdown Man fossil was in fact a hoax? I now declare the entire theory void!

Unbelievable Fact! Naturalist T.H. Huxley was a groupie of Darwin’s, and sexed him up constantly. He had such Darwin-lust that he earned the nickname, “Darwin’s Constantly-in-Heat Pitbull.” If you read any of his books you can still see the stains where he spermed out onto the page.

Stop misleading our schoolchildren! Make sure your kid’s school is using Unbelievable History as it’s science textbook.

James Madison

By Helen Spencer, Syllogistorian


James Madison was the 4th President of the United States and the main architect of the Constitution. One little known thing about Madison was his staunch atheism. In his time he was famous for writing The Federalist Delusion, God Is Not Greateth, and his philosophical thought experiment involving some kind of invisble pottery or pasta or something. After getting elected, he outlawed Christianity. This is why no one elects atheists to public office in America anymore. Once, they tried to elect an atheist to the Senate, but a mob of Christian historians stormed one of the would-be Senator’s rallies. Then, using abalone shells, they flayed the skin from her bones.

Madison famously disapproved of the Treaty of Tripoli because it didn’t go far enough. It wasn’t enough that it simply declared that the U.S. was not a Christian nation. He thought it should’ve had two more paragraphs proclaiming a devout anti-theism message.

Instead of debating his opponents when he ran for President, he would have widely-publicized debates with creationists. However, since he lived before the theory of evolution–everyone was a creationist. These debates were mostly just Madison uninformedly rolling his eyes at all of the arguments about a divine watchmaker.

After being elected, the first thing Madison did was single-handedly provoke the British to invade America by sending King George III desecrated Eucharists. King George might not have minded this so much, but one of the ways Madison desecrated the Eucharist was by placing them inside the exhumed corpse of the King’s dead mother. Initially the King just asked for an apology and the rehuming of his mother, but Madison wanted none of this. Instead he went to war with England in a mad crusade to convert them to atheism. Contemporary critics called this, “Mr. Madison’s Jihad.” Clearly Madison was right to do this against those Anglicofascists.

In general, the populous complained about him being “shrill” and “strident.” They were right. If you don’t know what those words mean, they are both defined as being “of or like Richard Dawkins.”

Unbelievable Fact! After Madison created the U.S. Constitution, he went ahead and wrote on the back of it his famous “Spirit of the Constitution.” Whenever crises would happen in the U.S. economy, politicians could capitalize on this by flipping to the “The Spirit of the Constitution” side. The Spirit of the Constitution was used by future Congresses and future Presidents to bailout corporations and give handouts. It also helped in nationalizing automakers.

Not buying this book is a form of child abuse.

Cleopatra

By John Titor, Time Traveler


Some modernist liars try to say that Cleopatra was in fact a very good queen, and that Roman propaganda is the reason people think she was unfit to rule. But really this just goes to show how much we should put our faith in propaganda. For example, we know that Cleopatra was slutty because Egyptologists found an ancient bathroom stall where someone had written about her cavernous vagina.

Let’s start at the beginning. Ptolemy Auletes, Cleopatra’s father, was always debaucherous, self-indulgent and always drinkin’ it up. These may sound like good qualities, but did you know that he had the audacity to drive his chariot sober with his young daughter Cleopatra? Living–not to mention driving–while sober, in classical Egypt was irresponsible as the Ptolemaic Dynasty would drive anyone mad.

Cleopatra married her brother, which may seem odd to you and I, but it is important to respect other cultures. In Egypt, people placed extreme value on the birth defects that arose from inbreeding. How else do you think all those cat people got there? The Greeks also valued deformities via incest. However, they lacked the natural Egyptian prowess at getting nasty with kin. This is why all the Greeks ever got out of their incest were cyclopes, minotauria, and flocks of harpies.

Historians think it absurd to believe that Cleopatra was black because she was a descendant of the Macedonian general Ptolemy. But actually she was the first black Macedonian. That was a pivotal step for other African-Egyptians. When Cleopatra was campaigning for Phaoroh she was scandalized by the high priest of her temple, who kept going on diatribes against white Egyptians. Most Egyptians were white of course, and these comments by priest Wrightolomeus were remarkably offensive. It got even worse on the campaign trail as her brother/husband made a huge faux pas by saying that he only now was proud of the Egyptian pyramids. Several pro-obelisk unions withdrew their support for Cleopatra after that. She still had a large block of supporters who would compare her to other great Egyptian leaders, calling her Neferretiesque.

Cleopatra campaigned on hope and asps, while her opponent, McCainidus was a maverick who instead advocated a fiscally conservative economic policy and poison dart frogs. Her campaign motto was, “Asps we can believ–ahhhh! It’s killed me!” Her campaign manager was going to write out a more complicated campaign slogan, but he was mysteriously killed near an asp that was mysteriously there and then mysteriously disappeared.

Some critics thought Cleopatra was unfit for to rule because she would mail every statesman except Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony deadly asps as presents. She didn’t know they were poisonous, and she was always wondering why Caesar and Anthony were the only people who would love her despite her not sending them beautiful, benevolent asps. She initially didn’t like them and that’s why she didn’t send them the prized snakes as gifts. Later, Cleopatra thought Mark Anthony was weirder than Caesar for still loving her despite that she refused to put an asp in his tent, in his shoes, in his astrolabe, in his coffee, or in his slave. It was about that time that Cleopatra decided that maybe Mark Anthony was the man for her. Eventually, all her campaigners died of asp bites, but she got the job anyway because everyone was worried as shit about getting asped by her.

Unbelievable Fact!  Cleopatra, just like the popular 1990s song implies, was famous for comin’ at ya. She would frequently harass other Egyptian nobles by continuously comin’ at them. Later, Roman Senators would complain to Caesar that Cleopatra would show up at their door unannounced and only moments later be comin’ at them.

Once she became Pharaoh, she quickly learned how to have a good time. While her compatriots were snortin’ lead acetate, she was trippin’ on asp bites. Her physician was forced to warn her that asp bites should not be mixed with mercury. She went a little too far one night when she snorted lead dust, drank down two glasses of mercury, and had ten asps hanging from her neck. If she just had one glass less of mercury, she might’ve lived. Asp bites just didn’t catch on in the general populous like it did for Cleopatra. Most people just over-dosed after just one bite. Lightweights!

After Cleopatra’s death, Octavian, who had seized the reigns of the Roman empire in the power vacuum following Caesar’s death, acted very jubilant at the news of Cleopatra’s horrible death. This was for public appearances alone, for he was truly quite saddened by her passing. For years he’d secretly longed to be a part of her massive, incestuous, asp-infested orgies.

Unbelievable Fact! The only other person to rival Cleopatra’s nuisance of form and grace was Helen of Troy who pestered the Greek King Menelaus to his end by getting kidnapped and starting inconvenient wars.

Cleopatra was breathtakingly beautiful, which was annoying. She frustrated many world leaders with her breathtaking beauty, which was constantly forcing these busy people to take extra breaths. How obnoxious is that?

If you liked this chapter, then buy the rest for $12. If you don’t, Cleopatra will proceed to come at ya.