The Egyptians

By Uri Terrabyte, Conspiracy Historiast

The Egyptians are often credited with inventing geometry. In reality they only contributed a very small subset of knowledge to the general field. For one thing, all their geometry revolved around squares, triangles, and at best pyramids. But these guys did not have a clue about circles. As a result, the Egyptians totally ignored the circular sun, the circular pattern of day and night, and they even ignored the circular aliens called the Vondanikenites that tried to influence them.

The Vondanikenites even tried to get the attention of the Egyptians by making gigantic pyramids, but the self-centered Egyptians just took the credit for them. Then the aliens tried to make complex shapes on the mountaintops that looked like spiders and monkeys and such. Unfortunately for these frequently frustrated aliens, these shapes were only visible from space, so the Egyptians ignored these as well.

The Egyptian calendar is now touted as the great predictor of the end of the world. The calendar predicted the world will theoretically end in 1100 C.E. So that either means we’re all dead and thus ghosts or that we’re alive and their square-triangular calendar must be readjusted to circular time to get a better idea. Coincidentally, if you readjust their calendar so that it applies to circles or cycles, it says the world will end right when Roland Emmerich’s movie 2012 says it will end. Care to speculate on what year that is? This may surprise you, but it’s 2012. This calendar readjusted for circular clock and calendar usage is now called the MAYAN calendar which is short for Minor Adjustment for Years ANno domini. A pretty stupid acronym, but it gets the point across.

More interestingly, a lot of people wonder where the Egyptians went. If you look throughout Central America, you see no trace of what might have happened to them. The famous Greek philosopher Plato might have an answer though. Plato spoke of an ancient, super-advanced civilization that went missing. From that small snippet of information, we can probably merely speculate and then with great certainty conclude that the Egyptians left their Central American location to move to the sinking continent of Atlantis to go commit suicide because their evil pagan religion told them to do so. I think if you can get one historian drunk enough to agree to that, then it has passed the peer review stage. But unfortunately, we can only be certain of this fact without it being accepted by the mainstream. But at least it’s good enough for the History Channel!

If you liked this sample chapter, you should consider getting a copy of the book. It’s only $12 and makes an excellent gift for a historian with a sense of humor or for a joyless historian that you want to irritate.

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