Thomas Jefferson

By Jericho Cannon, Scientohistorian

Thomas Jefferson was many things. Scientist, philosopher, architect, and slave-holder/slave-holding inventor. Oddly, the one thing people seem to care about is his work in American politics. Sure, he wrote the good parts of the Declaration of Independence, was central in the formation of the Government and was the third President, but what historians always forget to mention is that establishing republics is only what he did when he was bored shitless. Since this is all anyone cares about, I’ll talk about that instead of all the fascinating buildings he designed as a slave-holding architect.

Jefferson’s political career was essentially started by the Declaration of Independence, which he wrote as a joke. Unfortunately, after everyone had a good laugh and signed it, some intern without a good sense of humor actually sent the damn thing to King George III. England never responded to America’s letters insisting “It was all a joke,” and “Would you please stop shooting cannons at us?” This forced the Continental Congress’ hand into actually becoming independent.

In 1800 the race for the Presidency was on once again and Jefferson threw his tri-corn hat into the ring. Jefferson’s campaign for the Presidency was not without controversy. Jefferson spoke of the equality of all men, but simultaneously kept slaves. His excuses were, “They were there when I bought the house,” “I was slave-holding them for a friend,” and his most flimsy excuse of all: “Slaves? What slaves? Who are you people anyway?” His opponent in the race, Senator Aaron Burr, took advantage of this hypocrisy to try and discredit Jefferson. Some of you may be thinking that since Burr was also a slave-holder that this action was hypocritical. You’d be right, though it actually helped Burr immensely as he was running as a member of the Super Hypocrisy Party.

Jefferson got flack for his campaign slogan, “Slaves We Can Believe In,” as some people thought it a mere platitude. At any rate, it won more people over than Aaron Burr’s slogan, “Burr: Not As Bad As They Say.”

As a result of Congress having an odd sense of humor, Aaron Burr was selected to be Jefferson’s vice-president. Since there were still hard feelings from the campaign, Jefferson used every opportunity to get his vice-president killed. At this point in Colonial history, the vice-president was considered mere comic relief, and such action was not frowned upon.

Aaron Burr proved quite difficult for Jefferson to kill. He always managed to jump out of the way of runaway carriages, avoid falling anvils, and even managed to take out the notorious assassin, Alexander Hamilton. Eventually Jefferson got him by signing the Using Aaron Burr as Bait for Sperm Whales bill into law. Burr was trussed up, put in a squid costume and dragged behind the USS Constitution. This had the entire crew of “Old Ironsides” in stitches.

Jefferson had a long-standing disagreement with respected French naturalist, Comte de Buffon. Buffon theorized that every animal, plant and human that originated in North America was a little pussy compared to every animal, plant or human from Europe. Jefferson read about this and said, “Hey! I’m from North America!” He was furious, but had a well-thought out plan to give Buffon what for. He had heard about Mammoth skeletons being discovered in America and figured that if he could find a beast like that, it would put an end to Buffon’s theory once and for all. He then bought the western half of the continent from its rightful owner, the French
Government, and sent a contingent of badasses to investigate. They never did find a mammoth, but they did find a giant ground sloth. After Lewis and Clark delivered it to Jefferson, the Founding Father rode it to Buffon’s house and had the animal eat the bastard, effectively disproving his theory. This face-saving act of heroism is why Megalonyx is the national mascot of the United States.

The famed Renaissance man is also the subject of debate in religious circles with Christians and atheists both trying to claim that he was on their team. The fact is, neither claim is true. He wasn’t a true Christian, but instead a deist. For those of you who don’t know, a deist is someone who believes a god made everything, then took off for some fucking reason. Modern pop psychologist historians think he believed this way because his dad abandoned him as a kid.

Are you literate? If so, this book may be extremely well-suited for you.


James Madison

By Helen Spencer, Syllogistorian

James Madison was the 4th President of the United States and the main architect of the Constitution. One little known thing about Madison was his staunch atheism. In his time he was famous for writing The Federalist Delusion, God Is Not Greateth, and his philosophical thought experiment involving some kind of invisble pottery or pasta or something. After getting elected, he outlawed Christianity. This is why no one elects atheists to public office in America anymore. Once, they tried to elect an atheist to the Senate, but a mob of Christian historians stormed one of the would-be Senator’s rallies. Then, using abalone shells, they flayed the skin from her bones.

Madison famously disapproved of the Treaty of Tripoli because it didn’t go far enough. It wasn’t enough that it simply declared that the U.S. was not a Christian nation. He thought it should’ve had two more paragraphs proclaiming a devout anti-theism message.

Instead of debating his opponents when he ran for President, he would have widely-publicized debates with creationists. However, since he lived before the theory of evolution–everyone was a creationist. These debates were mostly just Madison uninformedly rolling his eyes at all of the arguments about a divine watchmaker.

After being elected, the first thing Madison did was single-handedly provoke the British to invade America by sending King George III desecrated Eucharists. King George might not have minded this so much, but one of the ways Madison desecrated the Eucharist was by placing them inside the exhumed corpse of the King’s dead mother. Initially the King just asked for an apology and the rehuming of his mother, but Madison wanted none of this. Instead he went to war with England in a mad crusade to convert them to atheism. Contemporary critics called this, “Mr. Madison’s Jihad.” Clearly Madison was right to do this against those Anglicofascists.

In general, the populous complained about him being “shrill” and “strident.” They were right. If you don’t know what those words mean, they are both defined as being “of or like Richard Dawkins.”

Unbelievable Fact! After Madison created the U.S. Constitution, he went ahead and wrote on the back of it his famous “Spirit of the Constitution.” Whenever crises would happen in the U.S. economy, politicians could capitalize on this by flipping to the “The Spirit of the Constitution” side. The Spirit of the Constitution was used by future Congresses and future Presidents to bailout corporations and give handouts. It also helped in nationalizing automakers.

Not buying this book is a form of child abuse.