Thomas Jefferson

By Jericho Cannon, Scientohistorian

Thomas Jefferson was many things. Scientist, philosopher, architect, and slave-holder/slave-holding inventor. Oddly, the one thing people seem to care about is his work in American politics. Sure, he wrote the good parts of the Declaration of Independence, was central in the formation of the Government and was the third President, but what historians always forget to mention is that establishing republics is only what he did when he was bored shitless. Since this is all anyone cares about, I’ll talk about that instead of all the fascinating buildings he designed as a slave-holding architect.

Jefferson’s political career was essentially started by the Declaration of Independence, which he wrote as a joke. Unfortunately, after everyone had a good laugh and signed it, some intern without a good sense of humor actually sent the damn thing to King George III. England never responded to America’s letters insisting “It was all a joke,” and “Would you please stop shooting cannons at us?” This forced the Continental Congress’ hand into actually becoming independent.

In 1800 the race for the Presidency was on once again and Jefferson threw his tri-corn hat into the ring. Jefferson’s campaign for the Presidency was not without controversy. Jefferson spoke of the equality of all men, but simultaneously kept slaves. His excuses were, “They were there when I bought the house,” “I was slave-holding them for a friend,” and his most flimsy excuse of all: “Slaves? What slaves? Who are you people anyway?” His opponent in the race, Senator Aaron Burr, took advantage of this hypocrisy to try and discredit Jefferson. Some of you may be thinking that since Burr was also a slave-holder that this action was hypocritical. You’d be right, though it actually helped Burr immensely as he was running as a member of the Super Hypocrisy Party.

Jefferson got flack for his campaign slogan, “Slaves We Can Believe In,” as some people thought it a mere platitude. At any rate, it won more people over than Aaron Burr’s slogan, “Burr: Not As Bad As They Say.”

As a result of Congress having an odd sense of humor, Aaron Burr was selected to be Jefferson’s vice-president. Since there were still hard feelings from the campaign, Jefferson used every opportunity to get his vice-president killed. At this point in Colonial history, the vice-president was considered mere comic relief, and such action was not frowned upon.

Aaron Burr proved quite difficult for Jefferson to kill. He always managed to jump out of the way of runaway carriages, avoid falling anvils, and even managed to take out the notorious assassin, Alexander Hamilton. Eventually Jefferson got him by signing the Using Aaron Burr as Bait for Sperm Whales bill into law. Burr was trussed up, put in a squid costume and dragged behind the USS Constitution. This had the entire crew of “Old Ironsides” in stitches.

Jefferson had a long-standing disagreement with respected French naturalist, Comte de Buffon. Buffon theorized that every animal, plant and human that originated in North America was a little pussy compared to every animal, plant or human from Europe. Jefferson read about this and said, “Hey! I’m from North America!” He was furious, but had a well-thought out plan to give Buffon what for. He had heard about Mammoth skeletons being discovered in America and figured that if he could find a beast like that, it would put an end to Buffon’s theory once and for all. He then bought the western half of the continent from its rightful owner, the French
Government, and sent a contingent of badasses to investigate. They never did find a mammoth, but they did find a giant ground sloth. After Lewis and Clark delivered it to Jefferson, the Founding Father rode it to Buffon’s house and had the animal eat the bastard, effectively disproving his theory. This face-saving act of heroism is why Megalonyx is the national mascot of the United States.

The famed Renaissance man is also the subject of debate in religious circles with Christians and atheists both trying to claim that he was on their team. The fact is, neither claim is true. He wasn’t a true Christian, but instead a deist. For those of you who don’t know, a deist is someone who believes a god made everything, then took off for some fucking reason. Modern pop psychologist historians think he believed this way because his dad abandoned him as a kid.

Are you literate? If so, this book may be extremely well-suited for you.

Advertisements

Charles Darwin

By Peter Bristles, Patriotorian

British naturalist Charles Darwin was the twin brother of Abraham Lincoln. This led some people to ask a lot of uncomfortable questions regarding the legitimacy of Lincoln’s Presidency. These people have been removed from the gene pool by Darwinists. Darwin was famous for proposing the modern theory of evolution which states that nothingness created two rocks that smacked together to create your monkey grandma, who magically gave birth to your human mom.

After attending divinity school in order to mock God, Darwin was enlisted to join the second voyage of the HMS Beagle to study nature. He wrote about how he was seasick constantly in his journals, but this is betrayed by his confession to his wife that he really just enjoyed vomiting constantly and would induce it for fun. This is believed to be the root of his nickname, “Ol’ Chucky Vomitpants.”

Once the ship reached the Galapagos archipelago, Darwin observed that certain species of finch had differently shaped beaks. He also observed that they tasted vastly different. There were also Galapagos Island iguanas that tasted remarkably better than their mainland counterparts. There were also varied species of giant tortoises that went quite good in soup. This led to his landmark theory of “Survival of the Tastiest.”

Aboard the HMS Beagle, he came to a disagreement with the Captain Robert FitzRoy while the Captain was showing off his slaves. Modern scientohistorians like to play up how Darwin was opposed to slavery and how he would argue that slavery was evil. Really though, Darwin wasn’t opposed to the notion of slavery. He just didn’t like FitzRoy’s slaves, which he felt were not as shiny and top-of-the-line as his own collection.

When Darwin proposed his theory of evolution, he was laughed at by the Royal Society of England–not because he was thought to be wrong, but because (without his knowledge) his penis was sticking out of his pants, hard and stiff. This was really funny until a consensus was reached that it was annoying to be constantly whacked in the head with Darwin’s oblivious hard-on. Many people ran in fear when Darwin began to speak about the more essential aspects of his theory, as he would become so excited that his penis would throb until it spermed out majestically.

Jean-Baptiste Lamarck provided an alternative theory of evolution. He could do this because his ancestors would practice debating Darwin’s ancestors. Each successive generation carried on its Darwin-debating skills. Modern creationists are not believers in Lamarck’s theory either, but it is true that they are all descended from the best Darwin-debaters.

Some prominent secular historians (the ones who don’t tell HIS-story), believe that Darwin not only came up with the theory of evolution, but that he was able to demonstrate evolution live on-stage. These live performances of evolution were mere trickery though. Darwin would start by cramming five chimpanzees into a hat, putting the hat in a coffin, poking all kinds of swords through the coffin, and out would come a rational, God-fearing human. What nonsense! That just proves that Darwin was a good magician, not a good scientist.

A lot of historians want you to believe in Darwin’s alleged contemporary, Alfred Russel Wallace, who supposedly formulated the theory of evolution independently. Little is known about “Wallace” except that his handwriting and style of writing appears to be identical to Darwin’s. It makes sense that Darwin would fabricate Wallace’s existence in order to perpetuate the lie that evolution was independently discovered by two people instead of one. That way it would give the lie more credibility.

Evolutionary theory was a point of contention between Darwin and his wife, Emma, who believed in God like any good and moral person. He would talk about his observations about the natural world and she would talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Creator of the Universe. This kind of disagreement could have led an ungodly woman to a divorce, but she was a good woman and was subservient to her husband, no matter how satanic he was.

Many people know that Darwin was a proto-Nazi (just turn to the first chapter in On the Origins of Species entitled “The Final Solution”), but what they didn’t know was that Darwin would spend his time plotting about how to stop and silence creationist Ben Stein years before Stein was even a twinkle in his father’s eye. Not to mention that Darwin–getting his advice from Lord Satan–knew that he needed to change the way that universities taught so that they could, in 150 years time, silence Intelligent Design theorists.

Many claim that Darwin did not advocate eugenics or Social Darwinism–that it was actually Herbert Spencer and some others who advocated eugenics. But how do you explain the book that non-secular historians recently unearthed, entitled How To Kill Off The Weak And Mentally Inhibited by Charles Darwin? Sure, if you carbon-dated the book it would appear only to be three years old–not old enough to have been written by Darwin. But that just proves that carbon dating is unreliable!

A lot of people are knowledgeably aware of Darwin’s famous death bed recantation of evolution. What they are unaware of though, is all his other recantations. He recanted most appropriately the atomic theory of matter, Mendelian genetics (even though he had absolutely no knowledge of such a genetics…weird), special theory of relativity (everyone knew that one was false), and supply side economics. He is most famous for recanting the mother and father theory. The mother and father theory states that everyone had a mother and a father. What rubbish!

In modern academia, the theory of evolution has been refined and well-understood. It is taught to millions and is the foundation of our understanding of biology. Just about every field of science reinforces the claims of evolutionists, as well as a mountain of fossil evidence. But were you aware that the famous Piltdown Man fossil was in fact a hoax? I now declare the entire theory void!

Unbelievable Fact! Naturalist T.H. Huxley was a groupie of Darwin’s, and sexed him up constantly. He had such Darwin-lust that he earned the nickname, “Darwin’s Constantly-in-Heat Pitbull.” If you read any of his books you can still see the stains where he spermed out onto the page.

Stop misleading our schoolchildren! Make sure your kid’s school is using Unbelievable History as it’s science textbook.

Sigmund Freud

By Helen Spencer, Syllogistorian

Sigmund Freud grew up in a typical Austrian household. His father would start out the day reading to him stories by Sophocles, then he would put down Oedipus Rex, pick up a knife, and tell him, “Run to your mother before I cut off your testicles!” Then his father would proceed to chase him until Freud would just barely make it to his mother’s room. Freud was always forced to run into his mother’s room at awkward times, like when his mom just got out of the bath. Unfortunately for Freud, his mom was the hottest woman in all of Austria. Even worse were Freud’s male cousins who would always comment on how hot his mother was. These factors always led to Freud being very tempted to love his mother and fear his father. But against the odds, Freud learned to only masturbate to pictures of women who merely resembled his mother.

He also learned to respect his father and would often involve himself in back-alley knife fights with his dear ol’ dad. Once Freud finally cut off one of his dad’s testicles, he earned the love and respect of his father. His father then said, “Son, you’ve passed the test, it’s time for you to go to medical school.” Freud’s natural fear of castration taught him an important lesson–that you can only trust men at arm’s length because, if you trust them too much, they’ll cut your testicles off.

Freud enjoyed medical school and became a well-respected neural scientist. But as time went on Freud got tired of prying people’s heads open to study their brains. He wanted to make a name for himself so he decided to attack religion and offer a scientific replacement for it. So he wrote a book called The Future of an Illusion. In The Future of an Illusion, he psychoanalyzes religion as the human mind’s attempt to deal with its helplessness in the face of a chaotic nature by creating an illusion of a higher power that protects it. This part was so boringly true that unfortunately for Freud, The Future of an Illusion wasn’t well received by Austrian intellectuals, due to its dry and accurate attacks on religion. Freud was told to go back to the drawing board and come up with more interesting theories that were far more dubious and unfalsifiable.

Freud became penniless and homeless because, like an idiot, he quit being a wealthy physician. So he thought back to his youth and decided that psychology was the place where he could deal with his earlier traumas and transformations. Freud became a big success in psychology because behaviorism was such a boring field that treated humans like systems, and Freud offered intellectuals a more fascinating, organic account of the mind that involved an awesome battle between the Id, Ego, and Superego. Seriously, intellectuals get tired of the same ol’ “everything is a system” mentality. Doesn’t anyone want action and awesomeness in their metaphysical accounts of reality? So, Freud created a branch of psychology that was far more entertaining and unfalsifiable.

This new psychology relied heavily on symbolism. For example, if you liked to eat bananas, it was symbolic of your desire to perform oral sex on a man. If you liked rockets, it was symbolic of your desire to have sex with men. If you enjoyed the taste of strawberries, it meant you wanted to be on the receiving end of anal sex, etc. Exceptions to this were rare, but Freud did say, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” to justify his love of smoking long and hard cigars. Also, “Sometimes a penis is just a penis,” to justify his love of having erect penises in his mouth which was totally is not gay, even a little.

Unbelievable Fact! Philosopher Karl Popper once said that Freud’s theory of psychoanalysis was unfalsifiable, but that sounds like something someone with late potty training would say, doesn’t it?

Deciding to buy this book is symbolic of your desire to read an inaccurate history of the world.