The Historians

Skip Tallwaters, Senior Historian

As the senior editor of Unbelievable History, I’ve organized this crack team of time traveling historians to tell you about…hey…where am I anyways?  …wha?…oh yes. Sometimes little whipper snappers don’t understand history the way I do, because they’re too busy being on my lawn to pick up a book on Thermopylae. Martha! Where’s my book on Thermopylae? Did those damn kids take it?

The current trend in history books has been “revisionist history.” But these revisionist historians have been some damn meddling kids. I’ve spent my career trying to give the public the most accurate, objective history ever, but those damn meddling kids keep interfering with this effort. Man, I knew I shouldn’t be a historian and work at a haunted amusement park. Anyway, long story short, I found a time traveler to put all this historical relativism to rest and a robber baron to foot the bill.

I have written several books, including “John Adams:  Myth or Legend,” “The History of Incredibly Boring Things,” “The History of Where Did I Leave My Keys?,”  “Benjamin Franklin:  Early To Bed Kills You…Instantly.” I don’t remember how I got my degrees, but I sure have a lot of them. Some of the degrees appear to be poorly written on the backs of cocktail napkins.

John Titor, Time Traveler

In the future we have finally perfected time travel and have begun using it to do two very important things: 1) Hunt dinosaurs and 2) Accurately map history.

Our method of history is so much better than you filthy primitives’ version. Look at all that exhaustive research, archaeology, and complicated analysis you put into one minor event like World War 2. It was all a waste of time since I came here to your present time to allow your historians to get it right for once. Jeez, what’s wrong with you people if you haven’t invented time travel yet?

It’s lucky for you present-dwellers that Skip Tallwaters approached me to do this with a big bag of money, or I wouldn’t have bothered helping you. You plebians should be grateful to have me around.

John Titor first gained notoriety as a hero in the Second American Civil War in his timeline. In his spare time, Titor enjoys repeatedly executing Hitler and altering the course of history.

William Zuckergates, Independent Financier

Since I’m financing this endeavor to find the most perfect, goddamned accurate history, I’m entitled to be an honorary historian. I explained all of this to the editor and that time traveler and they must have understood since they took the money I gave them. I didn’t get that good of grades in history–or math or science for that matter–but I sure as shit did good at making obscene amounts of money by investing in foreign weapons manufacturers. 
I actually made an effort to become a historian legitimately once by reading a long-ass history book. For a while I felt bad that I never actually finished Will Durant’s The Lessons of History, but now I know the one true lesson of history: You can do anything and control anyone as long as you can bury people under piles of $100 bills. Besides, I have something the other historians lack–lavish bank accounts. This gives me a unique perspective. Often history has overlooked the plight of the insanely wealthy, but no longer!

When asked which books he has written and where he got his degree, Zuckergates just popped another cigar in his mouth and opened a briefcase full of money.

Helen Spencer, Syllogistorian

History is predicated on one major assumption: that God does not exist and is ontologically invalid. And boy is history right! I’ve looked at history as empirically as I can, and I do not see some Prime History from which all history comes from. Also, I am very skeptical of these a priori claims that a Perfect Divine History must exist just because we have the Concept of a Perfect History.  

A lot of people disagree about my position about God and believe that qualia point to a God, but how do they explain my qualia of not-God?  Qualia, for those of you who don’t know, are boring qualitative experiences, like an odor, color, or taste.  

Spencer’s works include “Why History is Great Without God,” “The History Delusion,” and “The End of Faith-Based History.” Spencer got her Ph.D. in Philosophy overseas from the country of Logistan at P Implies Q University.

Peter Bristles, Patriotorian 

The problem with most modern historians is that they try to pretend like America isn’t perfect. Sure, we have an infestation of socialists, but it’s nothing a nationwide fumigation won’t fix. Under the guise of “tolerance,” these people have introduced ideas such as empathy and compassion into our worldview that simply don’t belong! If you follow Biblical tradition to the letter, you’ll value those who can use their strength to crush the weak.

A lot of liberals try to say there is a distinction between church and state, but if that’s true, then where do we get the Bill of Rights from? Clearly, the Ten Amendments come right after the Ten Commandments!  

Even though the Bible is the only important book to read, ever, I can be your additional source of information–since I am godly, patriotical, and inerrant, as well.  

Peter Bristles does not have any fancy degrees. He got an honorary degree from Liberty University, but that didn’t matter because he’s a self-educated, bootstrappin’ American. That’s all the qualifications he needs, he says.

Uri Terrabyte, Conspiracy Historiast

“History is written by the victors.” That’s just what they want you to think! The truth is that history is written by a cabal of the sinister Illuminati–possibly alien or trans-dimensional–but certainly clandestine and evil. When you’re ready to take the red pill and go down the rabbit hole, you’ll find that history unfolded in a far more spooky way. Forget what you know. Forget what you think you know–and for good measure forget what your friends know too.

When learning about history, you should keep an open mind. If you find claims about aliens, secret societies, or bigfoot dubious, you need to open your mind at least twenty percent more. Perhaps with some sort of mind-opening hand drill.  

Uri Terrabyte received his master’s degree in Close Encounters of the 21st Kind from Bob Lazar University, his Cow Mutilation Prevention degree from, and he minored in Chupacabra-American Studies.  

Gertude Hamm, Herstorian

The job of a herstorian is to show you the importance of the better sex in shaping herstory. It is taken as a given that women are underrepresented in “his-story” books. What is not well understood is the need to purge the XY chromosome from huwomanity, starting with our record of past events–our herstory.

Not only do men need to be purged, but women who are weak and allow themselves to be subjugated must be purged as well. Just remember that herstorians like me don’t only think the world belongs to women–it also belongs to girls, lesbians, bitches and many other XX carriers–and maybe even some XY carriers who fortunately missed their testosterone bath in the womb.

It has been claimed that my hatred toward men has made me bitter, cynical, and possibly biased against men when evaluating herstorical facts. These critics are clearly patriarchs hiding behind a glass ceiling…or perhaps some sort of glass door with a glass deadbolt on it.

Mys. Hamm got her master’s degree in Aborting Male Fetuses from Utero University, and she got her Ph.D. in Only Women Studies from Female Supremacist University. Her dissertation is famous for its controversial title, “Why All Men Aren’t Just Pigs, But Rapist Pigs.”

Dr. Jericho Cannon, Scientohistorian

I am an oddity among scientists, as I am the last religious scientist. The Bible is a tricky book though, as it seems to contradict reality as science explains it. In order to reconcile my infallible faith with my perfect science, I reinterpreted the Bible with scientific explanations in place of supernaturalism. Problem solved! I totally did not rip off Baruch Spinoza’s philosophical analysis of the Bible, by the way. I don’t know who that guy is or how I even knew his name. I am a fundamentalist, and believe the Bible is the inerrant word of God, but I am also a scientist, and I know that miracle stuff can’t be measured with beakers.

I suppose that like Stephen Hawking and Johannes Kepler, I want to know the mind of God. This is why I’ve taken so many learning annex courses on telepathy. Sure, telepathy may not be scientific, but neither is God, so it must be ok.

Jericho Cannon received his Ph.D. in Biology from Oxford and has honorary degrees in Physics, Chemistry and Rockology from MIT, Yale and Phoenix University, respectively. His first book, “The Clockwork Mind of Gods and Rocks” went triple platinum.

Starshine Rainwater, Hippiestorian

As a tenured professor at Coniferous University, I make sure not to tell my students what to think–just to be open-minded to counterculture. I want my students to understand government better, not so they can make informed votes, but so that they can abolish government and voting altogether! Keep in mind, though, that I do not just educate my students to throw Molotov cocktails, but I also keep them open-minded to the necessary evil of voting, if they are voting for anarchists, of course.

Starshine Rainwater has a master’s degree in Chakra Balancing from Anarcho University. She has a Ph.D. from Washington State University in Animal Mind-Reading and has a Ph.D. in Medicinal Recreational Marijuana from Burning Man University. Rainwater wrote her pieces for this book while protesting agribusiness by handcuffing herself to a cow.

Shigeru Nishi, Racistorian

I have been Japan’s minister of propaganda since 1934, and have dedicated my life to chronicling the lives of Axis leaders. Many of the existing history books regarding the Nazis, Hirohito and Hitler have a disturbing anti-evil bias that should be addressed in the name of academic freedom.

The European Union has accused me of Holocaust denial, but I don’t deny the Holocaust. “Holocaust” is Latin for “whole burn.” I think a whole 6,000 Jews got burned by some other more sinister Jews, and not the evil Nazis. I definitely deny any claim of Japanese war crimes though, as the Japanese are a pure race with pure intentions.

Shigeru specializes in the fields of Race Theory IQ Bell Curves, Results from Mengele’s Twin Experiments, Final Solution Techniques, and wrote the epic book, Shinmin no Michi which served to rally the Japanese against the oppressive allied forces in WWII. Professor Nishi’s hobbies involve spending time with his friends in Brazil, avoiding the Chinese government, and fact-checking Holocaust museums.

Louis Leroux, Frenchitorian

Vive le France!  Sacrebleu, American swine! You guys are responsible for most evils of this world, but not as much as the fuckin’ British. Oui, I know they created the Industrial Revolution, but we French put the Revolution in that, mes amis. Of all the revoluting nations, none can revolute like France. We have at least 15 revolutings per month. We only elect leaders on the platform of being deposed and executed by the mob.

Many of my readers want me to write about the evils of the Germans. But they are nothing but easily beguiled, barbarian, sauerkraut-eaters! I must focus on the real enemy: America.
Vive la France! Vive la France!

Louis Leroux is a graduate of Croissant University, where he majored in Baguettes, Escargot, and Cigarettes. He was born in France, which has a vibrant culture centered on the dancing of naked women. In between writing history, Leroux is usually involved in Le Festival of Setting Fire to Cars and Turning Them Over. Leroux is currently engrossed in making a genealogical map of Sarkozy, as he is trying to figure out why he is so evil and deserves to be put to the guillotine.    

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