William Zuckergates, Independent Financier


Since I’m financing this endeavor to find the most perfect, goddamned accurate history, I’m entitled to be an honorary historian. I explained all of this to the editor and that time traveler and they must have understood since they took the money I gave them. I didn’t get that good of grades in history–or math or science for that matter–but I sure as shit did good at making obscene amounts of money by investing in foreign weapons manufacturers. 
 
I actually made an effort to become a historian legitimately once by reading a long-ass history book. For a while I felt bad that I never actually finished Will Durant’s The Lessons of History, but now I know the one true lesson of history: You can do anything and control anyone as long as you can bury people under piles of $100 bills. Besides, I have something the other historians lack–lavish bank accounts. This gives me a unique perspective. Often history has overlooked the plight of the insanely wealthy, but no longer!

When asked which books he has written and where he got his degree, Zuckergates just popped another cigar in his mouth and opened a briefcase full of money.

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